It seems like most things recently just keep causing me stress…
People are doing the same things they have been doing since I first got to know them, but for some unknown reason it just seems like what they’re doing just isn’t enough anymore and it’s making me pick up their slack.
Maybe I just expect too much from people? Or maybe I am one of them “if you want something done right, do it yourself” kind of people. But is it really worth me doing these things if it goes pretty much unnoticed? For once I’d just love someone to turn around and say “Stewart, you are good at what you do and without you we wouldn’t be able to function”, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to hear them words.
I never used to be one who would seek the glory for something, but it seems all of a sudden that’s all I want.
I’m not vain at all, but I know that I’m bloody good at all of the things I chose to do in life. I pride myself in not settling for anything less than great, but I find myself going with the majority vote even though I know that it’s wrong. All because I’m just tired.
I know that I don’t normally speak of how I’m going through a bad time and that’s purely because most people think it’s easy for me to just dust myself off and carry on, but in all honesty at the moment I am going through a bad time.
I’ve been making calls of judgement that I wouldn’t normal take, I’ve been slow at taking opportunities because of the fear that it’s all delusions of grandeur.
But will I accept help from anyone? No.
Why? Because I’ve always feared that if you allow someone to help you it means letting them get down to the root of the problem, which means that you’re just arming them with weapons to use against you.
So I’m going to do what I always do. I’m going to take a big long walk tomorrow, think about a huge idea which could potentially be a total game changer and then I’ll realise that all along I was just being a complete fucking idiot and that my life is actually pretty awesome.
Yeah there’s a few little bumps, but everyone likes riding their bike on unsteady ground.
Fuck you, world
And the horse you rode in on.